We all have "things" in our lives...crazy schedules, work, family, travel, sickness etc. Whatever it is, we can usually handle it, work the changes into our lives and move on. January was crazy for me. I turned 50, traveled by myself to Florida to pack up and bring Kelsie home from her Disney internship and then I still had to de-christmas the house and pack it all away. At work, we changed over to a whole new computer system and digital x-rays, which after 34 years of old school dental records, threw me for a loop lol. However, my biggest challenge lately for losing my mojo and the reason for this post has been issues with my 90 year old father who lives with us.
Before I chat some more, you're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. I debated long an hard about doing this post, because well, it's not a fun tutorial, recipe or decorating tip...it's just a peek into my crazy world. However, I know someone out there can relate, a conversation will start in the comment section and maybe this will help someone else in the same situation. Some of us have elderly parents or relatives, some of us know someone who has elderly parents or relatives and all of us will be an elderly parent or relative some day, so I'm hoping this post will resonates with at least one person out there.
For those of you who have followed me for a long time, you know that my parents moved in with us almost 11 years ago. We took care of my mom, who had Parkinson's disease, for 3 years until she passed away in 2007. I never thought, in a million years, it would be more difficult than that, but living with my dad has been a challenge. Every one's situation is going to be different, because of the personality of your parent or relative living with you. My dad is a retired military man and a retired teacher. He is head strong and always right...according to him Lol. It's even more difficult when they start to fail mentally or physically and try to keep up appearances like nothing has changed with them.
When you are living with or caring for an elderly parent you need a few things to help keep your sanity...a sense of humor is primary (if you don't laugh, you will cry), a support system (my husband is my rock and sounding board and my sister is my partner in crime) and you'll definitely need patience (which I definitely need to work on...and swearing under my breath...I need to work on that too.)
Having a parent living with you is great for peace of mind knowing they are with you, safe and not alone and they feel secure too. However, there is a trade off...simply put, your life is going to change forever. My father is still "somewhat" with it, he cooks and physically he can still take care of himself. However, he is starting to be very forgetful, making poor decisions about things and has health issues that he tries to fix with anything he buys online or out of catalogs. Common sense really goes out the window.
When living with a parent, you become "the bad guy", because you have to be the one with reason, the one who thinks logically and tries to explain to them what they've done wrong without making them feel foolish. It's a very fine line. For example, just a few weeks ago my dad came over to our side of the house, all smug and grinning from ear to ear. For about a year now, he has been trying to "prove all the sweep stake companies wrong" by sending in all the forms to see if he'll really win. Well, in his eyes, he won this one. In my eyes, he lost $900 and I won a weekend of fixing this mess and canceling his credit card. Here's the gist of this scam. They sent him six $400 vouchers to go towards six items. Of course those items all cost more than $400. He explained to us that he won $3300 worth of stuff, but he only had to pay $900 for it. This really was the straw that broke this camels back, so I literally looked at my husband and said..."I need to go up stairs before my head splits open". Two days of trying to explain this to him and showing him thousands of comments on the computer of other people involved in this scam, he finally conceded. Looking through his mail with him, he gets SOOO many sweepstakes entries it's ridiculous. In one day, he received 37 pieces of junk mail that said he won millions of dollars, but all he needed do was send in $29.99 processing fees. I don't even want to think of how many of these processing fees he has paid. There is now a mail filter in place at our house.
Companies preying on the elderly also trick him on the phone too. I won't go into it, but last Friday did it for me with him talking with a scammer on the phone and was just about to give them his other credit card number. He said he doesn't understand how these people get his name, address and phone number. I keep telling him that every time he sends in one of those entry forms or buys junk from those rip off catalogs, his name is being sold to a million other companies. All those "Do Not Call lists haven't worked for us, so I called our phone company. I found out that he can have 30 numbers that are added to a list of only the calls that are allowed to come in on his phone. All others will be blocked. I'm gathering up all his doctors number and family numbers to get that list going. Hopefully with me checking his mail and only the accepted phone numbers coming in, the scam artists should be stopped. The other obstacle that is next is cutting him off from the computer, but we're taking baby steps with that.
Your life is going to be a mixture of so many emotions...love, frustration, worry, guilt, anxiety, stress, anger etc. It's a fine line of knowing when you need to step in as the one in charge and still let them think they are the ones handling things on their own. You are literally juggling 2 lives.
Oh and by the way, if they are hard of hearing, not only will you be juggling, you'll be screaming a lot too. It's the best when you've repeated yourself four times and then you are screaming so loud on the the fifth time and he says..."young lady, why are you screaming at me?" My tongue is so raw from how many times I've bitten it !! lol You really need to pick you battles. It's like having a child again.
You need to be organized with everything...their doctors appointments, their medicine, their will and their end of life wishes. You need to be involved with their banking and finances and have a plan to pay their bills if something happens and they are in the hospital. All this needs to be legal with a lawyer and the bank. My sister and I have power of attorney for his health and medical decisions and my 3 brothers have power of attorney for his finances. One brother just came down during this last financial nightmare and set up online banking, so he can check in on my dad's checking account from his house in Connecticut.
Safety is another issue. Most of you know about the several (7) floods we've had due to my dad's forgetfulness with faucets, dishwashers and the laundry room. Fire is another concern too. A few things that we've done to help with this is to install a kitchen sink with an overflow valve and put a grate on the bottom of the sink, so he can't plug the drain with a pot or pan. In the past, he would put a pot in the sink to fill it up, walk away, forget and hours later come back to a sink over flowing all over his house and down into our basement. We wanted to put in a faucet that has a foot pedal to operate, but his corner sink didn't allow for the kick plate.
The stove fires are another scary issue, so we bought an attachment for the stove. It's called Stove Guard from Guardian. You simply pull out the stove, plug in the Stove Guard unit into the stove wall outlet, then plug the stove plug into that. Up above, under the counter, you mount a motion sensor. Every time he uses his stove, he has to be walking in front of the sensor. If he walks away and forgets, we have set the timer to 9 minutes. It will beep if he's not there after that set time. It will continue to beep (which he can't hear, by the way) and will shut the whole stove off if he doesn't walk in front of it again. It's worked out fine, but the toaster oven is another issue. lol
Next and final issue...taking away the car keys. This was not pretty, but my advice is to talk to a doctor or in our case, it was his doctor and his visiting nurse. He has some internal bleeding issues and the medical world has always been great with us knowing what it's like to deal with him...head strong and not willing to bend. The visiting nurse was great and made him shake her hand in a "gentleman's agreement" not to drive with his medical problems. He definitely wasn't listening to me or my sister, because what do we know!! Lol I did scare him when I said that he may not be injured in an accident, but he may hit a car full of children. I think that sunk in.
I hope this helps someone out there, even just a little. I know we aren't the only ones, because I work as a dental hygienist and so many of my patients open up to me about their lives and living with or caring for an elderly parent. It's good to get it off your chest and know you're not the only one with so many mixed emotions.
I know just writing this post helped me. I think I have my mojo back! LOL
Thanks for stopping by and listening,
~Karen~
Wow, does this sound familiar. We did not have my FIL living with us, but he was living alone, in his own home. My MIL passed away 3 years ago and he refused to budge. And no one could move anything, not even to clean the house! My hubby has 4 siblings, and between the 5 of them they kept an eye on him (he lives on the same prop as his two daughters) and fed. My SIL did all the Doctor appointments and anything to do with his paper work. She was the most affected, as he would accuse her of stealing, and lying. It was such a sad situation, but they all wanted to respect his wishes. My FIL passed away on January 9th at the age of 95 1/2.after suffering two strokes since October. He never had been sick and was still bowling one day a week before his stroke. I really do feel for you Karen. it is not an easy job to undertake. But I have to share that my hubby's siblings showed so much love and caring for their parents that it was a blessing in disguise. We are going through the task of dismantling his home now, and believe me it's been quite an undertaking. my in laws were married one month shy of 70 years, so there's a lot to do. If you ever want to just "talk" I'm here for you. Just shoot me an email. I may not have any words of wisdom, but I do know what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteJocelyn
God bless you and give you strength. My mom lived with my brother for several years before choosing to go to a local infirmary. The years with my brother were so stressful for his family. My mother was a very social person and the living arrangements she made for herself turned out to be wonderful--she attended all of the activities, organized pinochle games, etc., etc. She was hardly ever in her room during the day, except for some favorite TV shows. Living in the country with no one around during the day was not good for her. She fired all the help we arranged. My brother took early retirement, and was confined to the house because Mom got anxious when he was out of sight,...and after 2 years, she made her own arrangements...a blessing.
ReplyDeleteMy dad passed away a year ago, this week. I was his primary caregiver after my stepmother passed away. Everything you described sounds so familiar except for being head strong. My dad was a force to be reckoned with during his younger days. After my stepmother passed, I think he was so glad to have my help that he didn't fight me on anything. I will keep you in my prayers as your are doing an angel's work.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Karen, that's so much to have to deal with!! Hopefully you can continue your blog for "your time"!! You need it!! :)
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I moved my parents into a handicap accessible condo in advance of their physical decline and that was the best thing I ever did. My brother moved in to help them when my mother got sick with cancer and subsequently passed. I've been through a lot of that with my father as he has dementia. He can carry on a normal conversation, but won't remember it or who he talked to. So you have to explain things over and over again. Putting things in writing (on a white board) sometimes helps. The mail is censored. He has no credit cards, and I pay all the bills and dole out the medicine. As long as he has some cash in his wallet when he goes out, he is happy. The State had a mechanism for reporting unsafe drivers (yes, I reported him), so I wasn't the bad guy when he failed the tests they gave him. He still thinks he'll get his license back one day, and really wants to get his pilots license back. The VA has been a great help and source of support. Yes, my father regresses to a child when he doesn't get his way. He throws a tantrum worthy of a two year old, as he wants what he wants when he wants it. As a diabetic, he doesn't always get what he wants. There are times when he is in a "mood" that you just can't reason with him. At that time, unless safety is an issue, I just have to walk away. He usually apologizes later for his behavior, so I take that when I can. Other times, you just agree with whatever he says as he will forget it until the next time. Although someone fixes all of his meals, I like that stove idea. One frustration that you haven't mentioned is the hygiene issue. Getting my father to bathe and shave on a regular basis has been difficult. He just doesn't want to do that. One final note, beware of scum who take advantage of friendships with older people. They do this to steal their medication. I had a young man who did this with both of my parents, even taking my mom's pain meds while she was fighting cancer. He would come over when brother was at work and my dad was alone. I'm pretty sure he stole cash from my dad's wallet. So, lock up the medication and don't leave it laying around where he can overdose or someone can steal it. It is a big problem!
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. I take care of my mother who is 90. (and my grandson, who is 3) She is pretty active still but her mind is slipping. She thinks she can do more than she can and I try to let her be as independent as possible but some days are hard. And Patience? Lord help me I pray for it every day. She has quit driving and she does not cook, so we are doing better there, but I suspect it is because your father is male, lol. My mom does the dishes and that helps her to feel useful, but she gets frustrated over a lot of every day little things. :( It is sad for me to watch but also a good lesson in patience, etc. She also drinks wine at night and sometimes that can be a challenge. But at 90 who am I to tell her no, lol. Oh well, "this too shall pass" as she says all the time. All we can do is love them and be as patient with them as we can. AND take a break every once in a while. We deserve it and NEED it. My sisters and brother do help me when I need that break so there is that. :) I love my mom and will miss her terribly when she is gone. I hope I can learn from this too, for my daughters sake, lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, get all those pesky legalities taken care of NOW, before they don't know what is going on....
Karen, thank you for sharing that. I was caregiver for my mom and grandma, but they both died in the early 90s before there were quite so many scams. I think it’s sad that there are so many people out there just waiting to take advantage of someone like your dad – and there are many who don’t have anyone to look after their finances so they just lose what little money they have left. Even though you may have to be the “bad guy”, you are truly a blessing to your dad. He is lucky to have you. And although caring for him and your mom when she was living, has had some real challenges, you are blessed to be able to spend this time with them and doing for them. And your children have had some real quality time with their grandparents. If you continue to share your challenges in your blog, you will find a lot of support from your followers and just sharing them on your blog will be helpful to you. Your sharing will help your readers in ways you will never know.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I understand completely. My mom Rosie, is 85 with early Alzheimers. She lives by herself, due to her insistence, but us 3 adult siblings stop by everyday to make meals, issue meds, keep up on household stuff. I pay the bills for her. There are so many common stories I could tell that match many of the sentiments listed by others who have replied above. But I will share a positive about her life.
ReplyDeleteAs a lifelong seamstress (the reason for my love of sewing) Rosie still keeps her sewing machine setup on the kitchen table. She has been on a mission of sewing pillowcases and easy placemats for relatives and friends. Now she only completes about one project per 3 months. We have a 7 camera system installed in her home and us kids can check in on her with our smart phones! She will fold and refold fabrics 3-4 times per day. She attaches sticky notes to different colors for different people. But she loses most of the notes and starts over again almost daily. Each day I re-thread her machine and run some test stitching. Each day I remind her of some simple sewing technique for closing a seam, or turning a corner. But she enjoys this mental game and we believe it gives her a reason to focus and concentrate. I am thankful she has a hobby. Some fabrics seem new to her, even though she may have owned them for 10 years or more!
I smile each day, and thank God she is healthy enough to enjoy this hobby! Thanks for letting me share. Sheree in Michigan
Yes. I've been there. Twice. With my father in law, who passed away at age 67 in 2010 and my mom in 2012 at age 67. As their mind goes, it's so traumatic...continue to keep yourself surrounded with a strong support team. It will save you.
ReplyDeleteKaren, you have struck a chord with uncounted numbers of us! My mom lived to be almost 90, and was able to stay in her own home only because my brother quit his job half way across the country and moved in with her. Mom lived a very long way from any of us children and was very frightened of moving out of her home. My sister, my other brother and I would each take as much vacation as we could each year staying with her so our care-giving brother would have a break. Nothing is easy...having them with you or some place else. I sympathize with your life. I hope your daughters will learn what it means to love and honor one's parents through your example. As I hope my sons did during my mother's last years.
ReplyDeleteKaren, my Mother also fell for the you will be rich scam. Before we found out her money disappeared. She is 95 1/2 now and mind is very bad, health not good and she doesn't remember how she came to this point. I certainly know how your family feels. Heart goes out to all your followers. I DO NOT wNt to live that long! Sometimes longer isn't better.
ReplyDeleteDone that, been there. We had my dad with us for twelve years and it was a challenge (on both sides). He moved in with us while our boys were still at home which was a concern, but fortunately it worked out and I think was a good example for them as well as their friends (who all loved Dad). For the most part Dad had all his mental faculties til the end, but he did suffer from an over-abundance of stubbornness. Maintaining a sense of humour is key!
ReplyDeleteoh how I feel your pain. I didn't have this with my parents but watched my aunt over many years. The accusations of theft and her fears ... so hard to take and very hard on my kids who had loved to visit her. Laugh when you can, cry when you must and know you are not alone in this. You are lucky the rest of your siblings are on board too. I'll keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteBlog when you can ... but your followers will be here waiting for you when you can't.
Wow, Karen, you have touched so many already! Best wishes for you, your father, and the whole family. How great that one sibling isn't solely responsible for ALL aspects of his life and care. I'm glad you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteMy dad took care of my stepmother far too long into her Alzheimer's. One of the traits she never lost was suspicion and mistrust ... it just got worse as she grew more confused. She would wrap her jewelry in layers of stuff, and hide bundles in odd places around their house. Then a few days later she would panic and there were accusations and searches ... she was sure he had stolen her treasures.
One day she had a hair appointment. My dad was going to drive her there but she got impatient while he was in the back yard, she took the car ... got totally lost and was in another county when someone called the police about a mixed up lady. So my dad secretly ground (grinded?) her car keys down so she could keep them, but they wouldn't start the car.
My stepmother was still "taking care" of their little dog. When the elderly doggie died, I think there was no more sense of being needed and she got worse quickly.
Again, best wishes. And Take Care of Yourself!
I was wondering what happened to you the other day. I so enjoy your posts but knowing your Father was living with you I truly did suspect that something like this was going on. I have lived this dream with three of Husbands relatives, his Father and now his Mother. At 92 she is the biggest challenge. She has shown signs of dementia for about 5 years but it is progressing rapidly. She lives next door and we are always with her or doing something there but now she is mixing up her meds, leaving water on, etc. Since she never had any ambition to cook that is not an issue. I do so understand and when I heard that we were the "sandwich" generation I felt it clearly defined our predicament. I have no grandchildren but raising my MIL is like having the worst behaved child in school. Hand in there Dear, check in when you can and I hope this catharsis helps bring the MOJO back.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that! Just take care of yourself, so you can take care of him!
ReplyDeleteOMG, thank you so much for your wonderful, honest, insight. We have begun having similar issues since September. My folks are 81 and 82 and the issues seem to be compounding. I am an only child and the stress has been horrific. Our wonderful family doctor has been incredibly supportive with their issues and MY difficulties handling it all. I am disabled with my own medical issues, which have been horribly exacerbated by the stress. Thank you so much for your suggestions regarding particular issues. I have a feeling those things are waiting down the line...
ReplyDeleteKaren, I too have been there with my Dad. I know hard had it is and how tired you get sometimes, mentally and physically. When you lose your temper or patience (and you will) don't be too hard on your self. He knows you love him. You are only having human reactions to an abundance of stress. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I pray he doesn't get mean. I'll keep you,Dad and all in the household in my prayers. And those of us that have been there we will be glad to listen if it helps you.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to contribute, but I wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your blog today. Thank you for sharing your struggles and know that we are all thinking of you and supporting you from far away (even though I may not even know you except through your lovely sewing and crafting!). Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteWhat is on your heart is worth sharing and you can see from these comments that many people can relate to your situation and your helpful comments. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to keep up with this blog as time permits. I always enjoy your contributions!
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ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing. It feels good to vent, and we all need. it. How I know you are going thru a very difficult time and you are a saint for handling it. It is hard, and you will make it through. God Speed!
Oh honey! You are such a saint for being such a caring daughter. That must be incredibly difficult. It's such a horrid thing when the mind goes before the body -- it throws everything into turmoil. You are in good company and just know that there are umpteen millions of people dealing with similar situations and sending you sympathy vibes out there. You are a terrific person.
ReplyDelete'thank you Karen for posting this. My MIL lives with us. My hubby and I knew that someday she would move in with us. His brothers live out of state. I have several of my children here and they are a great help. we remodeled our home to accommodate my MIL. there is a door between our part of the house and hers. she has a bedroom, full kitchen, sitting area and a bathroom. The last 2 weeks her hip has really bothered her. enough we had to go to the emergency room. so now she uses a walker. I know she is in pain. and my heart breaks for her. but there are times I am not so sure. I feel guilty thinking those thoughts. And oh mercy, I pray for patience all the time. My husband is so good about listening to me, concerning his mom. I have been reading the comments. And it does make me feel better.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL worries about someone trying to steal her identity. She doesn't have a computer. she hides everything! her important papers, insurance cards, etc. and not together. I keep telling her they need to stay together and we need to know where she puts them.
somedays it is very hard. she likes to talk and visit with me. thank goodness I am not working. but I don't hours to listen. if I go somewhere for a length of time, when I get home I feel so guilty because there was something she couldn't do, because no one was here. so again the guilt.
I do love my MIL, she is a lovely person. but she saves all her negativity for me. and sometimes it is more than I can take. I did not mean to make this so long. But Karen, I so completely understand what you are going through. but it all boils down to the fact, she is where she is suppose to be. How we handle all of this is an example to our children. there are numerous opportunities for service.
over the weekend, we had a birthday celebration for my husband. My MIL needed her bed turned, and sheets changed. everyone from our children to grandkids were helping. the grands put socks on her feet. My heart was bursting with love as I watched these acts of service done in love. And that's what it is all about! hugs Karen!
I am sorry you are going through this with your father. It seems you are doing a fantastic job of helping him be as independent as possible. I have always thought a caregiver's job is one of the toughest jobs ever. My prayers are with you. I enjoy your blog so much and among all the multitude of things you are doing, I hope you will be able to continue the blog whenever you need a moment to get away from it all.
ReplyDeleteOMG-my mom lives with us! Has for 2 years! Thank God she does not drive, but that also comes at a cost! I have 9 siblings, but only 1 other is consistent and super dependable! The others often have an opinion, but expect me to think their ideas are genius! They of course live over an hour away! We have gotten into a pretty great routine, but she is also depressed and super stubborn! She eats the exact same food-Subway-at the exact same time-2:30pm-and gets cranky if this is not punctual! My husband and I work full time so the challenges are abounding! I now shower with her because she lost her sense of cleanliness!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I bought this gadget that allows me to fill a weekly cassette and dispenses the pills 4 times a day-and lets me know if any lapse of time occurrs, when she doesn't get to the dispenser (worth every bit of the $1000).
Did I mention that both my husband and myself are critical care nurses-so nursing is 24/7 in my life
,
If I did not have my blog and my quilting, I know I would go crazy! Also the support of my husband has been a real life saver! His mom lived with us while she was in hospice, and died in the comfort of our home, surrounded by family, candles, aromatherapy, big band music and a Lazy Boy chair ! If you have to go, that was the way.....
JoEllen -
DeleteCan you tell me the name of the pill dispenser? My mom takes pills 5 times a day, and has always taken them herself. But she is becoming very obsessed with her medications, counts the pills over and over and over again, drops them out of the case...and then there is no guarantee that she puts them back in the correct sections! I am scared to death that she is going to overdose on something. Having a dispenser would be WONDERFUL and really put our minds at ease. Thank you!
Hey Karen - glad to see you back. With what you are dealing with, it's no wonder you've lost your mojo - I'm surprised you haven't lost your marbles too! Like the other ladies who have posted, I am in a similar situation - not living with my parents but I spend every weekend with them, taking them grocery shopping, banking for them, handling their accounts, paying their bills, pretty much doing everything for them. I am very lucky to have a wonderful brother who does his share too. My father had a stroke a year ago and our whole world changed - we are so grateful that he is still with us but his dementia is getting worse and it's heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate. My mother has just thrown in the towel and can't deal with anything. Every night I talk to her and every night she tells me that she can't take anymore. I've just gotten off the phone with her and I am completely drained of energy..... it's really hard when roles reverse and the parent becomes the child. At least be comforted knowing that you are not alone. It's helpful to know that others are also dealing with similar issues - some worse, some not so hard but they are all challenging to those who are experiencing them. Hang in there - you're a wonderful daughter.
ReplyDeleteMy father never did the sweepstakes thing (thank goodness), but, he believed anything that came thru his email, and, passed it all on to others. I was so glad when he couldn't remember how to do email anymore. As for his keys, the doctor told him that he couldn't drive anymore. My father didn't live with us, but, I would go 1200 miles, at least 4 times a year, so that I could help my mother. Being the caregiver is so hard. Remember to take care of yourself, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I can relate on many issues. My dad just passed and moving my 85 yr old mom to assisted living with her blessing. There are so many areas of great advice that we have dealt with. Well done! And blessings to you! Good family support is so important too!
ReplyDeleteWonderful post! Sharing is the best therapy. My mother also had Parkinsons. She died in May at 93 after falling out of her wheelchair and breaking her neck..dead in a week..on the way to lunch bunch. Since I started posting about our pain with my husband's ALS...many folks email me to say thank u...posting about real life is awesome.
ReplyDeleteYou know I have felt that way since his family moved in next door last April. His dad is a lazy person and makes every one else do for him as he supposedly cannot walk, but when one of his two sons wants to take him shooting or go do their gold panning, boy he is up walking.
ReplyDeleteHis mom is a heart transplant and is a very bitter person. You would think she would of been appreciative of her 2nd chance at life.
I have stopped going over there as the other daughter in law who is a total PIA thinks she knows it all and is just filling their head with her half lies. I also got so tired of being their whipping girl when something goes wrong (in other words constantly being screamed at all the time).
My friends and our friends who have met them have said she has nothing but nasty things to say about me. Some in front of my face some behind my back when I walk away (as I cannot handle it anymore). I have told both my DH and his brother to take care of their parents as I cannot do this anymore. I tried, I really did.
I thought they both could be mature enough to take care of being a mature adults and themselves. But I guess I was nuts for thinking that ! (I had a friend and his wife come over to show me their new truck and hubs was at work. DH's dad had the gall to ask me who the man was that drove up in my driveway. I have since told all my friends not to come by and I will go over to their house. I was upset very upset.
I have stopped going shopping with MIL as she thinks she has to always buy me something. I need nothing and if I want anything I just get the monies. Her bitterness is just horrible, and I am very positive anymore when I go over there to just visit with the DH in tow. I make sure he listens to every word she states (as she has lied to him before about me).
I am at wits end with his family (DH is the oldest of 6 in a very German family and the family tries to make it all seem like they all get along ... Well you know how that goes!), I just wonder some days where their imagination goes.
I admire you and all you have put up with and not walked away. You are truly a blessed person with patience and perseverance. Bless you !
You were smart to realize your post would resonate with your readers. Oh my! My journey is beginning.
ReplyDeleteI had quite a stressful day today as a matter of fact. I just checked in with my Bloglovin to read blogs and unwind.
Gosh Karen, I so hope I am raising a daughter like you. It really behoves us to raise our kids right so they will look after us well in our old age! I am not near this stage (in fact my mum is facing this with her own mother) but I do think about this often (not just about my parents, but about myself and my husband when we get old). I appreciate all these things you've given me to think about. It really is a reversal of the roles between parent and child in many ways. You're doing an amazing job and I'm so glad you have your own family to support you in this. x x x
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. This is definitely a topic that needs to be talked about more. I haven't had to experience this, but I still learned a great deal and I am sure it will he'll make me more compassionate to others going through this. Your humor and levelheadness shine through and are inspiring!
ReplyDeleteHugs and more hugs. I've lived thru it. Having a rock is a blessing.
ReplyDeleteMore hugs.
Wishing you patience as you face all the challenges that lie ahead!
ReplyDeleteYour story has blessed many people, evidenced by the many posts. I did not have the opportunity to look after my Mum and Dad, but we did look after my father in law for about 18 months before he became too much for me to look after as I was pregnant.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. My prayers are with you and I look forward to reading your blog when you next need to escape.
Hugs and blessings to you all.
Thank you so very much for this post. I too, am caring for my mom. I'm an only child and it's been so tiring. My mom has various illnesses that require her to talk over 20 medications. Last December, on her birthday weekend, she was not talking her meds and eating properly. I found her on the floor of our home. It scared me so much that I took a more "mothering" approach to caring for her. The only problem was that now it has affected my own health. You are correct when you say that you become the bad person and it seems like she resists anything that I try to initiate or suggest. Your entire post was almost written for me. I will be praying for you and your family....mostly for your sanity, lol. Blessings
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know you were missed. I figured there must be some family issues you needed to take care of. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and your message is bound to help a lot of people. Thank you for sharing and being so open. Love your blog. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to send prayers for you all. I appreciated your thoughtful post. My parents are both in their mid eighties and manage well together but I know that if one should pass that there would be very difficult times and decisions.
ReplyDeleteNije bitno gde živiš,ko si,koliko novca imaš,kod svih ljudi na planeti je sve isto.Kad je čovek star,gori je nego malo dete.KO nije prošao tu muku,ne zna o čemu si govorila.Moja majka je umrla mlada u 54.godine a tata u 85 i 5 godina nam je bilo strašno teško sa njim.Volela sam ga i bilo mi je žao kada je umro ali od tada je život mnogo lakši.Izdrži jer se to mora.A prevare preko telefona starih ljudi su iste u celom svetu.Dešava se i u Srbiji svakog dana.Manje jer naši stari ljudi,preko 80 godina ,nemaju kompjutere i ne znaju.Ali će biti sve više prevara kako svi mi starimo.Hvala ti na iskrenosti.Ja nisam imala snage da to izgovorim.Evo sada prvi put.Blog je ventil za dušu.Humor spas za život.
ReplyDeletePozdrav iz Srbije,
Cale
I don't consider my parents elderly yet....although "elderly" keeps moving as I get older...LOL. But, I know that I have talked to my parents about giving their doctors ALL of their medical history....not just the stuff they remember (allergies are especially not mentioned). I am so worried that they won't tell a new doctor about an allergy and create a bad situation.
ReplyDeleteI envy you that you have siblings that support you and your dad.......I do not have that luxury.....one sister lives far away and the closer one is not that involved in our folks lives.
Hope things get easier with your mojo......and 50 isn't all that bad.
Oh Karen, I don't know this problem first hand, but suspect it may be in our future with our parents. We've had to have my sister-in-law live with us for a few weeks when she was ill, but that is nothing compared to what you are dealing with. As my mom told me when I was caring for my sister-in-law, you're earning jewels in your crown. Take care. Many thoughts and prayers going your way.
ReplyDeleteOh my. I am SO glad that you posted this and shared it and got it out there!!! These conversations are so hard to have, with others and with the person themselves. We are having similar issues, and the person doesn't want to know and neither do the rest of the family. Apparently we are the ones with the problem, but the person driving their car into things and all kinds of other issues is "just fine" apparently. No good sticking your head in the sand. Sorry, just had to get that out!! Grrr! I know that you are struggling so hard with this, but I am so glad for you that you have the support and agreement of others, that really is a huge thing and should, I hope, make things at least a little easier to handle. I do hope that you can find a way to navigate through this and please know that you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your Dad and having him live with you. Even if he doesn't think that all the time, you are! Hugs and all good thoughts and wishes to you. xx
ReplyDeleteI read your post, but could not read all the comments.....you need to be heard and know we are carrying similar burdens of this issue. You need all your strength, patience and divine wisdom to get thru this stage of caring for aging parents. So vent when you need to, carry no guilt, and do the best you can.
ReplyDeleteHello Karen,
ReplyDeleteI do have a hint for the junk mail. I used to get a ton of it and I heard a remedy from someone.
I think it was a mailman. When you get it and it has a postage paid return envelope tear up everything in the envelope but leave it so they can still read your name and address. Put it in that free postage envelope and mail it back to them they have to pay the postage. I have packed the envelopes so full the had to be taped shut.
It works because it costs them money so they stop sending you junk. If only you can get the junk mail before him. I haven't been in your position both of my parents died when I was much younger but I do feel for you and will remember you and your family in my prayers.
THESE comments are exactly why I love blogging....just so much support and love out there. Hang in there and thank you for sharing....with smiles and prayers! V
ReplyDeleteKaren, you are an amazing woman with all you do. Sending up prayers for more ease to come your way, and for your mojo to vitalize and uplift you! Thank you for sharing to help others. May the support that flows back bring strength and joy.
ReplyDelete<3 Christina @ I Gotta Create!
Sending you Aloha hugs, Karen. I too have been wondering if there were perhaps health issues with your father that you were having to give your complete attention to. Your decision to share what you're going through has so obviously resonated with others... you will have helped more people that you will probably ever know. Remember as you are taking care of your father, to also take care of yourself. And take time for you and your husband as a couple as much as is possible. I know that can be hard to do. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWOW, a timely post for me today. For the past three months my Mom and Sister have been in the hosipital, rehad and living with my sister and me. Finally this past weekend they were able to return home, the problem is their home is 5 hours from any of her children. My sister is mildly handicapped and lives with my 88 year old Mom. Mom has fell 3 times in the past few years, broken hip, broken shoulder and the last time a shaddered elbow. She had a steel elbow replacement and recovered at my home. I have been dispensing medicine and helping her get back to some kind of normalcy. There are 3 siblings, me one of them who wanted them both to go to a senior living apartment but all we got was sadness and resistance from my Mom. So this past weekend we traveled to their hometown and revamped the home. Everything was updated, ramps, handicapped bathroom. Cleaned for 3 days. There have been so many struggles, I dearly love my sisters but there were disagreements and this really affected our relationship. We are on our way back but it hurts. I KNOW Mom will fall again and big decisions will have to be made when the time comes!! My Sister who is handicapped lives with Mom and she is diabetic, she went through a serious bout with a perforated gallbladder in October, we almost lost her. My Sister she stayed with here got her on a good eating habit and she lost 57 lbs, just the fear she keeps it up is hard--she doe'snt have the same reasoning power and Mom who at 88 dosent have the power to keep her on track. I do have a cousin there who is a nurse who really is an angel and keeps an eye on them for us. I know how you are feeling, thanks for sharing, seems like many of us are have the same struggles---we must pray for each other.
ReplyDeleteAnn
I was wondering if you were OK. I was scared when I started reading that perhaps you were giving up the blog. I have and would miss you. I don't have the parent issue. But we encouraged my sister (20 years older than I) to move from Chicago to a home across the street from us when her husband died. She suffers depression and dementia. The depression manifests itself by the non-cleaning of her home. I would not detail it here, as there is nothing that can be done and I wonder how she can live in the environment. We don't enter her once beautiful home due to the stench. We monitor her mail for just the same reasons jyou have mentioned. I don't think she gives her credit number out, but she gets numerous invoices in the mail from "scams" for promises she has made over the phone. I know that your situation is so much more serious and emotional than mine. But you are right, posting about it does help as I have found in other situations.
ReplyDeletexx, Carol
Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for your post and I am sorry for the hardships you are gifted with, living the mixed blessing of caring for your father. Your house looks the way I dream mine will look (one day) and I want to be doing the projects you are posting. You are so creative and talented, and I have often thought, "Well, she can do all of this because she doesn't have ______________ in her life." Uncharitable of me, I know. I thought I was past being that naive, too. I'm sorry and I'm humbled. I am sending you the patience you will need in abundance and the miracles, too.
I was in a similar position with my mother. She refused to move in with us, therefore, I would go over each morning, after we started to notice pots were burnt. I would get breakfast ready, get her morning medicine and make lunch, my brother were to assist with the evening meal and meds, at first this seemed to work. But as time was going on I realized that this was just a band aid and was not working. I spoke to my brothers and finally convinced them that were was a real problem and I needed their help. At this point we went in for a second opinion and mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer. With 1 year of help from Social Services for home aid meals on wheels. (Mom did want anyone in the home and she was clever enough to stop answering the door. The social services would not use a lock box, therefore, someone had to be there to let them in. So clearly this was not working.) She refused to go to any of our homes even for an evening. After 6 months of cooperation from my brothers, we decided this was beyond us. We started researching assisted living arrangements, in home living arrangements, skilled nursing facilities, memory care units, for profit and non profits. We found a place that is about 45 minutes away, but we were not convinced at this time this was the place we wanted her to go to. We hired a private elder service social worker to help us with process. We finally realized our initial choice was the best choice, for her. Her physician was on board and he told her she needed to go for rehab for an old shoulder injury. On October 23, 2014, she went to a skilled nursing facility in the memory unit. It was a relief for everyone. She is engaged and well fed, They have 6 activities each day for the clients. They start the day off morning mass, then the rosary and morning exercises, after lunch they have a word game, arts crafts movies etc. After this crazy weather here in Eastern Massachusetts, I know we did the right thing. With the memory issues at its best is it a challenge to deal with. As the memory issues increase it becomes a safety issue for everyone. I found putting the guilt as side I had with making this decision and looking at what is best for mom, it made the decision easier. You are in my prays.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, Karen. I've seen my parents go through this with their parents and it's been so, so incredibly hard for everyone. I hope that writing and getting support from everyone helps you find your mojo again!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, Karen. I've seen my parents go through this with their parents and it's been so, so incredibly hard for everyone. I hope that writing and getting support from everyone helps you find your mojo again!
ReplyDeleteI know where you are coming from. We had all these problems with my mom. She, however refused to live with any of us(she kept running away and actually locked herself in a car for twelve hours holding down the locks so we couldn't get to her)so we were tasked with finding a good nursing home for her and if you have ever tried to do that it's not an easy task. There are way more bad ones than good ones but we finally found a wonderful facility and she spent the last of her days there. An extra bonus was that one of her best friends from her young adult days was there and they loved being together again. Even that was very hard for us. It's just not easy to see your parent in such a situation. Mom has been gone now for about six years and I miss her terribly but would wish her last confused years on anyone. Good luck with your Dad. You sound like a kind and loving daughter!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post - I cried. My dad passed away in 2007 and mom wanted to stay in her own house which was fine until she went through one of our 2 foot New England blizzards and was without heat, lights or water for 3 days - and then her house was broken into (she was not home, she was … at church!) That was the last straw … the house was sold and she built an addition onto my house. She has her own living quarters and we share the kitchen. We have had good times and many challenging times - but I wouldn't trade it for anything. In June I'll be leaving my full time job as a school nurse to care for her - the body and mind is declining and at the age of 90 she deserves someone with her all the time. Thankfully I have very supportive husband and children - which so important. My sister - who lives in Virginia - helps as much as she can, coming up to visit to give me a break. It's hard on her too - being far away and not being able to do the hands on care. But she's only a phone call away whenever I need her.
ReplyDeleteYour right, life changes dramatically when an aging ailing parent moves in with you … your advice on getting things prepared early is very important. I take care of all my mothers banking, doctor appointments, medications etc - it can wear one down (that's why quilting and blogging is so important!!) Take care of yourself and know that your words hit home with so many - you are definitely not alone.
On a funny note - My mom does have a bit of a sense of humor … she tells me when she's gone I'll have a great quilting studio! Think I'll stick to my cramped little room for a while longer!
Karen, your post - and the comments section - has proved that you're not alone. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. Hugs to you and all your supporting cast. You are so lucky to have them!
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not alone. With our parents living longer more and more of us are dealing with extreme old age and what that brings, such a double edged sword. I found myself trying to plan for very contingency for my own old age knowing what could happen so that my kids would not have to go through the same things but I know that hey too will be challenged and tested. It's the price of love and commitment. Just know that what you do now informs your children for their future and that you can eventually rest assured that you have done your very best.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I can relate. Both sets of parents are gone now but we went through many of those same events. My tongue....oh, yes....it was sore, so sore. My mother saying "What's that concoction?" after my working all day and then coming home to fix a good meal. (Beef stroganoff was the "concoction"). it isn't easy but after they're gone, and you realize you are an orphan; yes, you feel like an orphan when you realize you don't have any parents anymore, you look for the funny things and the special times you all had together and they remain with you forever. Best of luck to you and know that you will live through it and you will know you've done what you could for them, the most any child can do. Glad your mojo is coming back, but don't be too hard on yourself. We'll all be here even if you only write once a week or once a month!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, Karen! All our parents are now gone but we went through many of the same things you have gone through with my mother. She wouldn't leave her home although she would go to our homes (my sister's and mine) each afternoon and stay until after dinner. Getting her to give up her car after numerous accidents was so awful for all of us! I finally 'turned her in' with her doctor's help and the court (yes, she took the issue to court!) said that she could have her license back when she no longer took narcotics for pain. (She had a morpheme pump!) She cried and cried about the decision but we were so very relieved! I could go on and on. Just know that I have added you to my daily prayers.
ReplyDeleteI lost my parents at a relatively young age. And the older I get the younger it sounds. However, the information you provided could be some really good conversations to have with my own children as I age. I actually think my husband could use that Stove Guard now. He worked nights for 44 years and is extremely forgetful. I am going to have to check into it, I did not even know something like that existed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I helps me feel like I am not alone. My MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year and a half ago. She would put food on the stove, sit down and fall asleep. A little over a year ago she fell, broke a hip, suffered a head contusion and had a stroke all at the same time apparently. Doctors aren't sure which happened first to set off the chain of events. She went to a nursing home to rehabilitate but suffered more strokes and is now on a feeding tube, paralyzed on her left side, mostly immobile on her right side, and not interacting much with people anymore. She is 81. Her husband, my husband's father, will turn 91 in a few weeks. He is arthritic, hard of hearing and as stubborn as a mule. He still lives in their home but has given the twice daily farm chores over to my husband, but still wants to 'be in charge' and has said as much - "As long as I am alive, I am in charge." Adding to that is my 20 year old son who is legally blind and physically and learning disabled due to spina bifida. He refuses to practice good hygiene and is suffering from some severe pressure wounds on his bottom. He attends a school that is a continuation of high school to learn life skills and become more independent. I recently found out that he has been lying to me about the condition of his wounds and also to his health center nurse about bandage changes when he is home. He also is on the computer ordering things he doesn't need and spending money like there is no tomorrow. We try to discuss the importance of good hygiene, etc with him, but things turn ugly quickly.
ReplyDeleteI will be going back to read the rest of the comments to this post. I am sure there are many people going through these life situations and hopefully we can all get some good ideas and advice from each other.
Good luck with situation.
Totally understand. I am also going through elder parent issues. It is tough for them to loose their independence and tough for you to watch it. In the past 3 months my totally independent mom (91 years) went from her house to hospital to rehab facility and now into assisted living. If assisted living is an option for you and IF you find a NICE one it may be worth considering. My mom is eating better, getting more exercise, more social activites, nursing care is available and she still has some privacy in her little apartment. It is less expensive than if she would have stayed in her home. Karen, it is ok that you loose your mojo. We all do at times.
ReplyDeleteOh, Karen, how I can relate! I generally just hang around the edges of your blog, taking advantage of all the useful ideas you share, but this time...... We're right now dealing with my parents, who are both fully independent and generally healthy still. They're in their 80's so still relatively young, but we're beginning to see some forgetfulness, some signs of poor decision-making - all minor so far, but still a concern for the future. We won't ever be living with them in our house, but working on getting them closer to us, so we can be fully aware if anything changes and available if they need help. Your post has reminded me of some of the things we need to watch for and intercede if necessary. So thankful that they have never had an interest in computers, so at least that's one thing we won't have to worry about! Thanks for sharing. And be encouraged - you're doing your best for your dad, and you know it even if he doesn't. God bless!
ReplyDeleteOh, Karen...I have walked in your shoes. (((((hugs))))) My mom passed away 23 years ago, so thankfully we didn't have the internet to contend with during her time.
ReplyDeleteI am also looking at things from the "other side" now, too. I'm 65 and I am starting to worry that I may be difficult for my children as I grow older. It's kind of scarey...especially when you have been the caretaker.
I'm glad you have "partners in crime" aka your siblings to help out. Makes it easier when there are others involved and aware of what you are dealing with.
(((((hugs)))))
You have been missed! Your blog is one of my favorites.
ReplyDeleteMy DH and I are just starting to need to be more involved in the lives of our parents in a caretaker role. I now go on most of my dad's dr visits. We are thankful that our parents live nearby so running over to take care of a need isn't over time consuming. But the needs are starting to mount.
Take care of yourself. Your needs are important too!
All of your post certainly did resonate with me but in a different way. My parents have been gone a long time now and thankfully for them and myself they never had to live with us. My greatest fear now is someday loosing my independence and possibly being a burden to my family. They all pray for my husband's good health every day - LoL - While I know my daughter would take on the "battle" full force and my son in Colorado would step up also - I would still be a burden to their way of life and the joy they have with their grandchildren. Your post certainly did hit home and thank you for everything you shared . Your parents are very fortunate to have you. Hugs from Judy C
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sharing this time in your life with us. I think a lot of us are in or are approaching the same situation. It's nice to know we are not alone. Remember to take care of YOU! Blessings to you and the family
ReplyDeleteKaren, my prayers go out to you. My mother lived with us for her last 3 years and we did have our ups and downs, most of which were caused by my sister and my mother's sisters. I was never sorry that we did have her come to us though. She was able to be a part of a household that was busy and kept her interest.
ReplyDeleteKaren, you had some really good ideas about the water in the kitchen and the stove turn off, that I will share with friends. I had not heard of that!
It is good to be able to talk with others that have been through this or starting on the path.
God bless you and your readers.
Jackie
You are to be commended for your hard work and patience. You have found solutions to most of the problems in spite of the floods, etc. This work will return to you at some point. Plus you are setting such excellent examples for your girls and others. Thank you for taking such good care of your father.
ReplyDeleteKaren, you don't need to reply. My eyes are filled with tears. This is so much like our situation with my husbands mother...it's like you wrote my heart out here. Thank you for taking a courageous step and sharing YOUR heart! You can't know how emotionally freeing this was to read. Thank you also for the information you've shared to help us keep our parents safe from harm, both physically and financially. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteWow that is a lot to digest and for you to deal with each and every day. Thank you so very much for all of this info. I'm going to have my time soon enough to have to be dealing with parents that can no longer take care of themselves and learning from others that have walked this road will definitely help.
ReplyDeleteDear Karen, my soon to be 97 year old mother has been living with us for six years, and I HEAR YOU! I never expected thta our lives would change so much. It truly is like having a child around. I always need to consider where she will be, or if I need someone to pop over to check on her if I am going somewhee for an extended time, like a wedding. My mom's mind is still good, but the hearing!! Sometimes I feel badly because I don't have conversation with her, but it is easier than screaming, and that is when she is wearing her hearing aid. The drippy faucets, forgetting to flush the toilet, missing the toliet and many other minor issue become big when we have hit our saturation point. Overall you and I are blessed to have been graced with husbands who help and hearts so big that in the end we would not have it any other way. I just hope when I am 97 I can remember NOT to do the things that make me crazy with her to my children. God bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKaren, my own parents have been gone for a very long time, but I have friends going through these same experiences. Caregivers are simply NOT given enough credit. Hang in there and let us be your shoulder when you need one.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read all of the comments, but I think that your local Alzheimers Association would be a big help to you. They deal with all memory issues, not just Alzheimers, and are an invaluable resource in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteI've read and reread this post Karen and it has brought so many memories for me. Like many others I cared for my parents in their last years and while there were so many challenges there were even more blessings. Their illnesses made my decision to take an early retirement, something that I wasn't really ready for personally and which cost me many dollars in retirement funds. And still when I think of things that happened during that year I smile and thank God I was in a position to do it. I will pray for you and for your family...for strength and patience and grace. blessings, marlene
ReplyDeleteHere, here! You are doing a good thing. Plus on top of everything else, your children see what and how you are taking care of their grandparents. As hard as it is for them to see.... they will figure out that one day, they too will be taking care of you. Because of your example, I'm sure it will be with lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI pray that my stubbornness will not last that long when it my kids turn to help with me.
Hang in there. Prayers are with you.
Here, here! You are doing a good thing. Plus on top of everything else, your children see what and how you are taking care of their grandparents. As hard as it is for them to see.... they will figure out that one day, they too will be taking care of you. Because of your example, I'm sure it will be with lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI pray that my stubbornness will not last that long when it my kids turn to help with me.
Hang in there. Prayers are with you.
Bless your heart & your family. I think you are doing a great job even if it seems never ending. Prayed for you all. Please don't respond as you have your hands too full as it is.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart & your family. I think you are doing a great job even if it seems never ending. Prayed for you all. Please don't respond as you have your hands too full as it is.
ReplyDeleteI was so fortunate that when my dad lived with us he told me that he wanted for me to tell him when it was time to give up things like driving. He put me on his bank account and I paid his bills. When he needed or wanted something, I took him with me and helped him decide on the best item. He put me solely in charge, and I'm proud of how he trusted me, and I never violated his trust. Now I see my 74 year old husband being forgetful, having poor judgment, and doing things like putting dirty clothes in the dryer because he has forgotten to wash them first. Six months ago he had a subdural hematoma and a craniotomy to evacuate the blood. It did no brain damage, but his brain has shrunk a lot. He's going through a thorough evaluation by a neurologist, but they tell me he does not have Alzheimer's or dementia, just an aging brain. They put him on Prozac, but he isn't depressed. He has lost his job because he can't get things done on time or correctly. My adult sons think there's nothing wrong with him, but they don't see him; two live in another state and the local one doesn't spend any time with us at all. (Wife problems) I would give anything if I didn't have to deal with my very stubborn and belligerent husband, but we're going to lose our car and our Medicare healthcare supplements, and so many other things because we don't have the income to support them without a job. At least a parent wouldn't pose these problems; I have no place to turn.
ReplyDeleteHi Karen
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your post with us.
I lost my mom 3 days after Christmas, she was suffering from Dementia. The hardest part was
seeing her try to remember who I was.
I try to remember all the good times we shared and that she had so much love for us. Also, I know
that she is united again with my dad and I am sure dancing up a storm.
I will pray for you and your family.
Keep strong, big hugs.
Denise